So You Had An Anxiety Attack At Work?
The irony of people complimenting on my “It’s okay not to be okay” pin when I was having an anxiety attack in the bathroom 10 minutes before — lol pictured here.
These moments remind me that my mental health is a rollercoaster, and even if I feel like I’m getting used to the ride, a dip comes out of nowhere. I’ve cried a lot this week out of empathy, but to cry out of stress is the most overwhelming for me. As I sat on the bathroom floor at work, I identified what pushed the attack:
1) Feeling out of control of the situation, in this case it was a seating chart being messed up because some people who may have not signed up showed up joined the meeting, couldn’t find their seats, or there weren’t enough chairs;
2) Having multiple strangers come up to me at the same time and ask where their seat is;
3) Having some of those strangers not listen and take a seat I set up that was meant for someone else;
4) Realizing that during a conversation before the training, I lied about feeling okay about moving (major life change) and it’s hitting me harder than I thought;
5) Having a woman yell at me “Maybe you should watch where you’re going” after I brushed against her foot trying to exit the room.
I find it even more ironic that last night I tried watching the Netflix Explained episode on Anxiety. I stopped because I could relate too much and it was inducing my own anxiety. But the beginning did share signs of what someone can go through when experiencing anxiety. Some that resonate with me are: Sweating, unable to form sentences, trouble breathing, a sense of losing control, feeling claustrophobic, and shutting down. This is what I went through this morning.
I had to excuse myself to the bathroom and cry it out.
I sat on this floor for about an hour… I went through my anxiety attack by
- Crying
- Sitting in a squat
- Trying to control my breathing
- Calling some of my loved ones (thank you, if you’re reading this. I realize now that that last point was a major step because I’m getting better at opening up to them about my anxiety. It’s made this rollercoaster better)
After that hour, I picked myself up, wiped my eye bag of mascara, and took 3 deep breathes. I found the courage to help the second half of the training. Still, it was hard. It was hard trying to put on a smile or neutral face. It was hard to make eye contact knowing that my eyes were red from crying. It was hard to push through when I knew I was checked out mentally and emotionally.
But when it was done, I was so thankful that I was able to decompress with my team. My Director shared that she also felt her anxiety start from the morning chaos and had to step out. She also affirmed that it wasn’t acceptable that the co-worker made me feel embarrassed when she said “Maybe you should watch where you’re going.” We thanked another Director of our team who was able to step up and help when we felt anxious. Both Directors acknowledged my need to step away from the situation. Both Directors made me feel normal that I had an anxiety attack.
This kind of work space I hope we are all experiencing. One that unpacks and deconstructs mental health. One that promotes radical self care — this is one of the requests from the Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion training we had today.
So yes, I had an anxiety attack during work. And no I do not feel bad for having it. My Directors made me feel safe, and they encouraged me to take a long lunch. They made me feel brave to talk about my anxiety.
If you are like me, I understand how frustrating it can be to experience anxiety attacks in any setting. I also understand how empowering it can be when you continue to learn how to walk through each anxiety attack. Know that you are brave. Know that you are strong. Know that there are people you can trust to talk about what you feel.
Anxiety is normal and should be talked about with family, friends, and especially the work place (when YOU are ready to have the conversation). While I know that this won’t be my last episode, I know that I have people out and in work who will support me.
In short, “It’s okay not to be okay.”
